I can't believe that I...

I can't believe that I... 

am an intuitive eater.

This is a really big deal for me because I honestly never thought that I would get to the point in my recovery where I could eat intuitively.  My hunger and fullness cues were completely screwed up, eating mindfully terrified me, listening to my body terrified me, and eating when I was hungry and stopping when I was full... well, these were ALL things that that I couldn't comprehend.  I had ignored and shut off these things for so long, and the fear that I had built up inside of me was so strong that it was really hard for me to believe that I could actually trust my body, listen to my hunger and fullness cues, and eat mindfully.  

It took a lot of hard work.  A lot of trust in my treatment team.  A lot of trust in myself.  A lot of patience.  And a lot of forward steps and backwards steps but... I can finally say that I am an intuitive eater.  Of course, I still have my bad days, I still have the days where I struggle and let my emotions affect my eating... but most days, I eat intuitively.  And it is one of the most freeing feelings.  It makes eating enjoyable again now that I am not letting the eating disorder dictate my meal plan for the day, and I am not so fearful of food.  It really is quite an amazing thing to me.  And if I can do it, than anyone can do it because I honestly thought that I was a hopeless mess when it came to intuitive eating.

ED activist/sufferer/survivor Book Review

This is a book that I got in treatment.  I have read it over and over... and over.  And I still continue to read it when I need a little extra encouragement.  My copy is highlighted, circled, underlined, written in with my own thoughts, certain pages are dog-eared... let's just say it's been used a lot!  I have had the opportunity to meet the author, talk with her, & hear her inspiring words and music. 

Her name is Jenni Schaefer. She is someone who I think is such a beautiful example of recovery and using her voice to raise awareness, to educate, & to support others who are struggling.  The book is "Life Without ED" and if you haven't read it, I really encourage you to go out and get it today!  She also has a second book that is just as good called "Goodbye ED, Hello Me."   Which I also think you should go out and get!  Her words are powerful, but they are also very relatable.  I recommend this book to anyone struggling with an eating disorder.

recovery toolbox

I wanted to share some of the things that have helped me in my recovery.  It think it's so important for us to have our "recovery toolboxes" so we have those things can that help us, soothe us, encourage us, inspire us, help us cope, & keep us strong in our recovery.  Here are some of mine:

Friends & Family:  This one is very important to me.  To have their continued support is a huge strength in my recovery.  I think that it's so important to have people that you can trust, that you can talk to, that you can lean on when you are struggling.  And I have found in my own experience that when I voice my thoughts, feelings, or urges... I am less likely to act on eating disorder behaviors.  Because when I am able to talk about it and process it in a healthy way, I have found that the behaviors then don't seem as strong and overpowering.   Talking to someone gives the eating disorder less power, and makes you a lot stronger.

Be Creative: Creativity is a HUGE part of my life.  It's one of the biggest parts of ME.  I use this a lot in my recovery also, whether it is through art, music, writing, it was the easiest & most natural way for me to express my feelings.  To understand and process my feelings in a healthy way.  I am a very creative person and I spend a lot of my time in my every day life doing things that are creative.  Music is a huge one for me.  Music soothes me and helps me to center myself.  It is one of the things that I go to when I need some peace or comfort.  Music heals me.  Another one is writing.  Writing is in my soul.  Whether it's songwriting, journaling, poems, stories, letters, whatever... writing is one of my biggest passions.  And it has helped me and continues to help me in my recovery.

Mindfulness: The definition of mindfulness is:  "Mindfulness refers to being completely in touch with and aware of the present moment, as well as taking a non-evaluative and non-judgmental approach to your inner experience. For example, a mindful approach to one's inner experience is simply viewing "thoughts as thoughts" as opposed to evaluating certain thoughts as positive or negative."  This one was so so so so hard for me to learn!  Feeling my feelings and staying in the moment were things that I was terrified of and I ran away from it for the longest time during my recovery.  But once I was finally able to learn how to be mindful.  Things changed, and they changed for the better!  It's a process for sure, and I am still learning how to be mindful, but I find that when I am mindful when it comes to eating, to exercising, to feeling my feelings, or just living each day... I have found that things are SO much better when I am being mindful.

Helping others:  I love to help others.  Whether it's through acts of service, helping people who are in need, giving a note to someone who is having a rough day, or helping others who are struggling with their own addictions and need support... my heart is filled when I am able to give of myself to help someone else.  When we do things for other people, it takes us away from our own "selves" and our own problems.  And who doesn't feel happy when they know they are helping someone else or making someone else's day a little better?  I think service is such an important thing.  And I believe this is one of the things we can do that not only helps the person we are helping but it also helps us become stronger in our own recovery. 

Those are the main things in my toolbox... but there are also other things in there.  Things that I use to help soothe me, things to help me cope when I am struggling, and things to help me stay strong in my recovery.  Some of those things are:  Laying outside in the sun reading, writing, or just closing my eyes and relaxing.  Taking a nap, going for a walk, going for a drive, talking a bubble bath, getting a massage.  Eating no matter what.  Especially when I don't feel like eating - because when I don't feel like eating... it usually means I need to eat.  Exercising in a healthy way.  Coloring in a coloring book or drawing.  Putting together a jigsaw puzzle!  That is one of the things that relaxes me the most.  I love to sing along to music and sit on my floor and work on a puzzle.  Going to the park and swinging on the swings.  Playing sports.  Spending time with people I love.  Going window shopping or browsing through thrift stores and finding hidden treasures. 

I think it's SO important to have a recovery toolbox, and I hope that all of you who haven't made one already, can think about the things that you can put in your toolbox and then USE those things when you need them.  Our toolboxes are there to strengthen our recovery and to strengthen ourselves.  That's what they are there for!  They are there to protect us from relapses and from the eating disorder.  So let your toolbox help you.  They can and they will if you let them.

parent conference

If I could talk to a parent who had a daughter or son struggling with an eating disorder, I would tell them to... love her/him.  They are most likely hurting and even though their behaviors might make it hard to love them at times... love them still.  They might not realize it, and you might not either, but they desperately need your love.  Unconditional and sincere.  Just love them, support them, and encourage them in every way that you can.  Let them know that you are there for them always, and no matter what.

Learn to separate your child from their illness.  Your daughter or son is NOT their eating disorder (though it made seem like it).  It is something that has taken hold of your child and they are lost inside of it... but your child is still there, they just need someone to find them.  Someone to help THEM find themselves again.  To find a way out of the illness and back to that person that they were, and the person that they are.

Never give up on them.  If they are anything like me - it is gonna be a fight for their life.  It is going to be a long road full of ups and downs.  And there will be many times where it seems like they are never going to let go of the eating disorder... but if they keep holding on, keep fighting, and keep believing... they will recover.  Recovery IS possible!  It's not easy but it is possible.  It will probably be the hardest thing they will ever go through.  But it is possible.  So never give up on them.  Support them as much as you can.  Encourage them.  Be there for them.  Listen to them.  BELIEVE in them.

Get them help as soon as possible!  Early intervention is so important when it comes to eating disorders.  One thing my parents wish they could have done differently was to get me help sooner.  But it's hard sometimes when people aren't educated or don't understand how severe eating disorders can be.   A lot of the time, parents think it's just a phase, they are just acting out and doing it for attention, that they "just need to eat", ect.  I know my parents felt this way.  Parents are in denial a lot of the time too and they don't want to see it or believe that it could happen to their child.  But you can't close your eyes and wish it away.  Your child needs help.  And they need it now.  So do whatever you can, with whatever resources you have to get your child to a therapist, doctor, dietitian, support group, inpatient, outpatient, treatment of ANY kind - whatever you can do.  There are things behind their eating disorder that need to be healed.  And they can't do that alone.  And depending on the severity of their illness - their life could be in danger.  They need intervention.  They need people to help them medically, emotionally, mentally, & spiritually.

Find a support group for YOU if you can or become educated about your child's illness (by reading books, talking to people, doing research) so you can better help them or understand them.  I know you are probably so confused and so scared.  And if you are able to find an outlet (like a support group for friends & family) then you can release your own feelings and find help for yourself.  Eating disorders affect you too.  Understanding eating disorders and getting the support you need for YOU is so important.  It is one of the best ways you can help your child.  And one of the best ways you can stay strong to continue fighting for them.  This is going to be a long journey and you need to make sure that you take care of yourself too.

choose a quote that means something to you

There are so many quotes that I love.  So many!  And it's hard to choose just one... but the one I chose for today is the quote that I read every single day.  It's framed and hanging up in my room.  And it's a quote that has helped me - and still continues to help me in my recovery and in life.  And it will be words that I will lean on for the rest of my life.

"Courage does not always roar.

Sometimes courage is the quiet voice

At the end of the day saying,

"I will try again tomorrow."

I love this quote because I think it fits perfectly with the whole attitude of "progress not perfection."  And while I was struggling to recover I seemed to have soooo many setbacks, steps backwards, no steps at all, relapses, ect. And I was feeling so frustrated that I couldn't seem to hang on to recovery.  And that I kept failing.  But what I didn't realize was that you can only fail if you stop trying.  And so I took this quote and held it close to my heart and reminded myself daily (usually many times a day) that courage is not these huge powerful steps forward - a lot of the time it is the quieter, smaller steps that we make that really can make an impact.  Courage is about trying, and doing the best that we can.  And that to me is what recovery is all about.  It's what life is all about.

(the quote that is hanging on my wall)

keep YOU, kick ED!

I think one reason why I held onto my eating disorder for as long as I did was because I was afraid that if I let it go - I would disappear. I would be nothing. That there was nothing to me except my eating disorder. I felt like as the years went by, and I fell deeper and deeper into the eating disorder - all of the other parts of me were slowly falling away. It consumed me, it was how people knew me ("the girl with the eating disorder"), it became me...

But throughout my years of struggling to recover. Through all of the ups and downs, the successes and relapses. Letting go of the ed identity and finding "jenn" again was always one of the main goals in my treatment.  I would start to let the ed go but then I would get scared because people would ask me... "what does jenn feel?" "what does jenn like?" "what does jenn think?" And I rarely had an answer for this. I got so used to letting the eating disorder dictate and answer those questions for me. I felt lost without the ed. So naturally, I would run back to the ed and let it continue running my thoughts, my emotions, my life.

I felt like I would never be able to have the courage to truly let the ed go. I thought I would forever be in it's control. I felt like I would never be able to find "jenn" again. I thought I had lost her forever. She was too far gone, she was too entangled in the madness. But I had to find a way to let it go. I was running out of "second chances" with this illness, and with my life!

Letting go of the eating disorder, I mean truly letting it go has been very difficult for me. The process has brought fear, sadness, anxiety, doubt, so many emotions - but it also has been freeing! And it has also brought strength, love, courage, determination, and so many other wonderful things! I am still working on finding out who I am without the eating disorder. It's a process.  But here are some of the things that I have discovered about myself and who I am:

I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a girlfriend, a friend, a coworker.  I love to laugh and be silly.  I love being around other people, but occasionally I need some "me" time.  I am passionate about music, writing, and anything that is creative.  I am sensitive... sometimes too much.  I am shy when I first meet people.  I love to rock climb.  I love to be active.  I love to be outside.  I love learning new things.  Sometimes I am lazy, and sometimes I like to sleep in.  I usually try to see the best in things, but sometimes I can be moody.  I love going out and doing things but I also enjoy spending nights in.  I love shopping, clothes, and fashion.  I like to curl up with a good book or movie.  And I do have a slight addiction to the soap opera General Hospital.  I am a spontaneous person.  I love road trips.  I love to dance.  I adjust really well with change and I am a go with the flow type of person.  My favorite food is spaghetti.  I am emotional.  My favorite color is lime green - but I also like pink, silver, and red.  I am a spiritual person and that is something that is important to me.  I love learning new things and challenging myself.  I want to get married and have a family someday soon.  I want to travel and experience new things.  I am a hard worker.  I like things clean and organized... but I occasionally let that slide if I am feeling lazy.  I really want a little puppy named Snoop (yes, like snoop dogg). I love the spring, summer, and fall - and I hate the winter.  I have a lot of things that I want to do in my life but I also try to live day to day and enjoy the things I have in my life now.  And I am a survivor.

healers with heart

To one of the care techs at my first inpatient treatment center,

I was so scared.  I had never been in treatment before and I wasn't sure I wanted to be there.  All of my coping skills were being taken away and I felt like I just wanted to run for the door and back to the world I knew... my eating disorder.  I was so sad, so lost, and I was sitting by myself on the couch that first day.  I didn't talk.  I didn't know what to say.  I didn't know what to do.  But I remember you coming over and sitting next to me.  You smiled and introduced yourself.  The caring that I saw in your eyes made me feel comforted.  You talked to me for a long time, and I felt like you cared about what I had to say.  You were the first person who made me feel safe in such a scary place.  And 6 years later, I haven't forgotten that day.  I never will.  Because you cared.  Because you listened to me.  And you did every day until my discharge date.  And I want to thank you for that.  You were a healer with a heart, and you probably won't ever know the impact you made on me - but it was a big one.  You were there for me during the meals, you were there for me afterwards when I needed someone to calm me down.  You were there for me after hard sessions with my therapist, dietitian, or doctor.  You were there when I got in trouble.  You were there to help calm my anxiety.  You were always there when I needed you.  And that meant a lot to me.  You were there at the beginning.  You helped me to be brave.  And I will never forget that.

Sincerely,

a girl who was once lost but has now found her way

the sound of silence

One of the things I that used to be the most afraid of, is now one of the things that I am the most grateful for...

...my voice.

As I little girl, it seemed like whenever I would try to express my feelings - I would be ignored, missunderstood, made fun of, or it would come out wrong and I would get in trouble.  And so I started to hide.  I kept things to myself.  And I started to believe that silence was the only way I would feel safe.  If I kept my feelings, my thoughts, my secrets to myself then I couldn't get hurt.  But what it was really doing was killing me.  Slowly, the silence was breaking apart my already fragile spirit.  On the outside, I had my mask on.  I became really good at pretending to be okay - when on the inside I was lost and hurting.

And then at 13 years old, I found a way to express those feelings.  I found a way to cope with those feelings.  My eating disorder became my voice.  It said the things that I couldn't say. The things I didn't know how to say.  The things I was afraid to say.  And I hid behind my eating disorder.  It wasn't until being in therapy for many years that I was able to slowly start to find my voice.  That voice that I lost so long ago.  It was always there inside of me... I just stopped using it, and then eventually forgot how to use it and then became very fearful of using it.  But because of my family, my friends, and some amazing people who were on my treatment team - I found my voice again.  And I slowly learned how to use that voice again.  And that was one of the greatest gifts recovery has given me. 

Something that was said to me so often in treatment is "our secrets keep us sick."  And they do.  But those secrets need to be heard so that there can be healing.  So my prayer today is that all of you out there who are still struggling to find your voice - that you will find that strength deep inside to take the steps you need to reclaim that voice.  Your life depends on it, and it's worth it!  YOU are worth it!

write a love life limerick

I never knew what it meant to truly be alive,
Until I stepped out of the darkness and let recovery save my life.
And now I laugh, and love, and live,
And I have so much that I want to give.
Because I didn't just survive... But I am also learning how to thrive.

changing places

For today's challenge, we are supposed to see the eating disorder through someone else's eyes.  When we are consumed with our eating disorders - we don't see how it is affecting other people.  We think that it is only hurting us... but the truth is (and this is true with any addiction) is that it IS affecting everyone around you.  Addictions don't just hurt you, but they also affect the people who love you, and the people in your life. 

I asked my mom if she would answer the question on today's writing challenge and share what it was like for her to have a daughter struggling with an eating disorder.  Some of what she wrote was really hard for me to read because I still feel so much guilt for what I put people through because of my struggles - but it needs to be shared.  Our loved ones need their voices heard because eating disorders affect them to.  So this is what my mom wrote:

What did I see? 

I saw a girl become very insecure and her self confidence and self esteem go completely away during this time.  I saw a beautiful girl lose her physical beauty to pale skin color, thinning hair, very frail body and when I would look in her eyes, there was so much sadness, loneliness and darkness.  I saw a fun, active girl become so weak that she would pass out when she stood up, couldn't get out of bed most days and had no strength to keep a job or take care of herself .  I saw a compassionate girl become so obsessed with anything and everything she could do to please the eating disorder that she became selfish, dishonest and ungrateful for what others were trying to do to help her.  I saw a girl at the end of her " hanging on" to what was left of her real self and crying desperately for help - any kind of help - but not strong enough to accept and comply to receive that help.

What did I feel?

It took me many years to accept that my daughter had an eating disorder.  I felt she was a picky eater, unmotivated and too much into looking thin.  Then when the eating disorder was in almost complete control and I was seeing the physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological effects of it, I felt TERRIFIED!!!  I felt helpless, frustrated, stress, betrayed, unappreciated, depressed, insomnia, guilt, lost, extreme sorrow, my heart breaking, etc. 

What did I do?

I cried ALOT!!! I prayed ALOT!!! I tried to change her and fix "IT". I went to counseling sessions with her.  I read books on eating disorders.  I went to counseling for me to understand this eating disorder and how I could accept what was happening to my daughter.  I learned that I could not fix or change my daughter (a very hard thing to accept and apply).  I had to separate the eating disorder from who my daughter really was.  I learned to love my daughter unconditionally, focus on her, and how to not encourage eating disorder behaviors and thoughts by what I said and how I reacted to her.  I learned to validate her feelings and just LISTEN.  I did not need to give her advice or criticism.  I so much wanted to build a relationship with my daughter by letting her know I loved her no matter what she did or said, that I would be there for her at all times, that she could call me anytime she needed help or needed strength to fight the eating disorder, that she could trust me to just listen to her talk, that I would fight for her and I would help her go through recovery however she wanted my help.

Do I regret or would I have done something different?

Yes, I have many regrets about things I have done or said to my daughter.  I know I contributed to part of the problem or the cause of her turning to the eating disorder for the reasons that she did.  If I knew then what I know now about eating disorders, I believe the degree to which my daughter suffered in the eating disorder would not have been as severe. The lack of knowledge people have of eating disorders is unfortunate.  I truly believe that the more people are aware of and understand this terrible disease, the less suffering there would be and there would be more support that is so desperately needed.

How do I feel about where my daughter is now? 

I feel very blessed and fortunate that my daughter is in such a good place now in her recovery.  I am so grateful for the health of her body after all the destructive behaviors she was engaged in. This is a great blessing!  I am grateful that she came to the moment in her life where she really felt in her heart that she did not want to live with the eating disorder any more and she took small steps at a time to climb out of that hole. I feel blessed that she continues to fight the thoughts and behaviors of the eating disorder.  I feel blessed that she met a special young man that told her she was beautiful (inside and outside) before he even knew about the eating disorder and continues to support her in such a healthy way.  I feel blessed to see her smile and see the glow in her eyes again.  My daughter is BEAUTIFUL inside and out!  I know she still has her struggles with the eating disorder.  I know this is something she will always have to fight.  I believe the fight will get easier as she continues to become confident and secure in who she is and what her purpose is in this life. 

What are my hopes?

My hopes are for my daughter to become a strong woman who truly believes in herself and that she is beautiful.  I hope her dreams will become a reality.  I hope she will become a wife and a mother and share her love with her beautiful family.  I hope she will continue to share her experiences of how she has survived an eating disorder and to encourage, motivate and be an example to others that are struggling and trying to find the courage and strength to beat this disease. 

attitude makeover

My attitude makeover goal is to stop being so hard on myself.  Because I am.  I have been ever since I was very young.  I was very critical with myself, impatient with myself, and constantly compared myself to everyone around me.  And these things caused me to harbor feelings of not being good enough or feeling like a failure.  Through my treatment, I have been able to work on this and let go of some of these feelings...  But I still notice it affecting my life and how I feel about myself. 

It's weird because I am very understanding and patient with other people, but when it comes to ME... I can't seem to have that same sentiment.  I know I can't be perfect at everything, that I will make mistakes, that it might take me longer to learn something than I would like it to... but it's hard for me to not get frusterated or critical of myself when those things happen.  I need to learn how to have the patience with myself that I have for other people.  But it's hard.  We are all our own worst critic, right?  And I sure am mine.  But I am trying to work on it.  One of my mantras is "progress, not perfection," and I try to continually remind myself of this.

It's really hard to change the beliefs and feelings about ourselves that we have had for so long.  It's how we are used to thinking - it's engrained in our minds.  It's automatic.  But that doesn't mean we can't change those things.  And that is what I have learned (and am still learning).  As I have been in treatment, and I have talked about things, and I have worked on things... I have found that the way I feel about myself is changing.  And it's changing in a good way.  I am letting go of the things I held onto for so long, and I am healing that little girl.  But I am still really hard on myself.  And I am still impatient with myself.  I don't know if it's because I have unrealistic expectations, or if it's because I think I should learn things faster than I do, or what... but it's annoying.  So I am going to make a goal to be more patient with myself, and to remind myself that my best is good enough.  No one is perfect.  It would be a boring world if we all were.

fat is NOT a feeling!

We spend SO long in our eating disorders internalizing our emotions and it manifesting itself through "I feel fat," that we start to become out of touch with what we are really feeling.  And while it might be true, we might feel fat... why do we feel that way?  What is causing those feelings?  What is underneath those feelings?  Those are the real questions we need to be asking.  What lies underneath those words is what needs to be uncovered, recognized, and dealt with.   

I know for me, it was easier (safer I thought...) for me to focus on my body and how I felt about it, then to deal with what I was really feeling.  To cope with my feelings (anger, sadness, anxiety, ect) I turned it outward and focused it on my body.  Because that was something that I could control.  That was something that I could use to numb out those feelings.  But the longer I was in treatment, the better I started to understand the actual feelings that I used "I feel fat" to hide behind.  And I was able to work on them.  I was able to vocalize what was really going on inside.  It was hard though.  Really hard.  Feeling my feelings was so uncomfortable (and sometimes overwhelming or scary) that it took a lot of time for me to really believe that those kinds of feelings are healthy, that they will come - but they will also go, and that feeling them won't kill me.  But it took time for me to get there.

I have to admit that there still are those times when I find myself thinking or saying this, but it doesn't happen as often and I am a lot more aware of it.  I understand now that when "I feel fat" starts to come into my thoughts - I know it's because I am feeling some kind of emotion (like anger, sadness, anxiety, ect.) and I am able to ask myself "Why am I feeling this way?  What's going on that is causing these feelings?"  What am I really feeling?  And I am able to express my feelings in a more healthy way.   

a letter to little me

Dear Jenny,

You are such a sweet, sensitive, & innocent girl.  Don't be in such a rush to grow up.  You'll have the rest of your life to be an adult.  I understand how you are feeling right now, lost and forgotten in your family - different in so many ways.  You feel misunderstood and you are holding so much hurt and fear.  But please listen to me when I tell you how important you are to your family, and how much they really do love you.  They need you in their lives so much more than you realize right now.  They love you so much!  Just remember to be patient with others, and most importantly, patient with yourself.

I also understand the hurt and pain that you feel of not being good enough - please don't put that burden on yourself.  You're just a little girl.  You have so much to live for and you are going to do so many wonderful things in your life.  You are so smart, beautiful, & talented.  Never forget that!  All of the hard times you will go through as you grow up will only make you a stronger person.  Please try to remember that as you are going through them.  You have such a kind heart.  And one day, despite all of the challenges life will bring you, you will be able to use that kind heart and your story to be a light in other people's lives.  You are so unique and that's one of the things people love about you.  You are caring and forgiving.  You are nonjudgmental, you always look for the best in everyone.  Please don't let the world take these things away from you.

More than anything, I wish that I could protect you from all of the pain that life is going to bring to you - but I can't.  What I can do is be right there to walk beside you, and even hold your hand when you need me to.  Always remember that every trial and every tear is going to make you the woman that you are meant to be.  You are going to learn from those hard times, and become a stronger person because of it.

And remember to never ask why or become angry at God. He won't ever give you anything you can't handle - even though there will be many many times where you feel like he does.  He is always there for you.  Remember that.  Don't let go of that.  And please, please don't ever stop dreaming!!  Keep those dreams close to you, hold them as tightly as you can, and never look back.  And no matter what happens, always remember that you are loved by so many people and that you matter.  Remember that you ARE enough.  And you will find the happiness and peace that you long for.  You will.  I promise you that!

with all my love,

Jennifer

(me in the middle)